Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Are we still banned from the library?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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