so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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