I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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