He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
