drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
