you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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