This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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