this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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