You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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