and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
