just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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