Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
