hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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