dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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