You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
