i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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