Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
