why didn't you poke me back
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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