So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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