I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
