i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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