I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
