Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
