I faked an abortion last night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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