dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
