um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize