guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
