I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
