She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
