I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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