I look better un-naked...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You can't just leave with hair like that
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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