some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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