She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
