smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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