I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
