So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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