I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
