i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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