at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
