I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She needs sedatives and a leash
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
