I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
