Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
