It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize