My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
