I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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