i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
