Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
