I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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