i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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