i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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