I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
