You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
