I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
