ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
