just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
