everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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