I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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