She is in my trunk
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
