Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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