I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
