She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
