to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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