When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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