Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
