I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
