My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
