I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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