Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
