I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
