Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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